There is this weird concept out there that whatever you experience in your life on the outside, is a reflection of what’s happening inside (of you).
Now I know a lot of people don’t believe that and that’s ok; I didn’t believe it either formost of my life. Others want to believe it but wants the proof that it is true. And some people totally believe it, and therefore experience it so. (or is it that they experience it so, and therefore believe it?!)
It matters not where you stand on the issue because it’s not what I’m talking about.
I’m talking about where you go on the inside when things aren’t working for you on the outside.
Here’s what I mean.
A while back I’d arranged a session with a fellow Matrix Reimprinting practitioner to help me work through something that was very sensitive for me to talk about. Just as we were getting started in our Skype session her husband walked into the room where she was; she turned away from me and had a short conversation with him before she turned back to me.
I was quite shocked as I would never let that happen in a client session, and I picked it up where we left it, as best I could. A few minutes later she stopped me because she had to ‘take care of something’; she got up and left, and I was astounded … little did I know there was more to come!
A few minutes after she got back and we continued working and at a particularly vulnerable moment for me she ‘had to answer the door’ as someone was dropping something off.
Waiting for her to come back I realised that this was just not OK by me; here was a ‘professional’ therapist breaking the most basic rules of building trust and safety with a client who was, in this case, me.
When she returned I told her that I did not feel safe enough with her to continue our session, and we ended the call.
I then noticed that a part of me wanted to get really upset (angry and hurt) with her, with her behaviour, what she did, what she ‘should’ have done and what she ‘should not’ have done.
Knowing very well where that train of thought leads (I’ve had lots of practice!) I decided to do something different and asked myself a couple of very simple questions:
- How did I interpret what she did? How did I judge her or her behaviour?
- How have I been doing that to myself?
The juiciest judgement that I came up with was that she had disrespected me.
And then … musing on the 2nd question (where had I been doing that to myself) … OOPS .. it struck me!
That very morning I had woken up with a promise to myself that I would have a leisurely day – stay in bed and read or watch a movie – after a very busy week. What I actually did was to keep thinking ‘I just want to finish this one thing’ and then the next ‘one thing’ and before I knew it the day was gone and I had had no down-time.
Now if that isn’t disrespecting myself then I don’t know what is!
Once I realised this, I could make peace with myself for having broken my promise and disrespecting my need for down-time (sometimes I get so passionate about things that I want to do it ALL NOW!).
That left her. I could remain resenting her, but for how long would I want to do that? An hour? A day? A week? How long did I want to feel bad? I was the one feeling upset; it did not affect her nor did it undo anything that happened. It was just … well … leaving me feeling upset!
What I choose to do instead was to silently, all by myself, thank her for allowing me to see how unlovingly I had been treating myself (other examples also starting coming to me) so that I could do something about it. I immediately felt totally at peace with her and what had happened, as I reconnected with myself.
Now here’s where I see us getting stuck sometimes: I have no intention of ever asking her for help again! I simply don’t trust that she understands what it means to create a safe environment for deep personal work. And that’s ok; she doesn’t have to change the way she works and I don’t have to work with her.
It is absolutely possible to be totally at peace with what had happened between you and someone else and still choose not to spend time, do business or enter into a relationship with that person.
So the next time someone does or says something that upsets you … try this on for size; it’s quick, its easy and it is hugely empowering!!
Let me know what happens; email me on firstname.lastname@example.org!
Bless her, bless you, bless us all!
PS) Hmmm, maybe it is what I was talking about after all….